I’m not even sure I should post this – I don’t feel like making any posts. I’ve even been tempted to delete my entire blog – but I feel that would be doing a disservice to some of my readers and wonderful blogging friends. But I think I should explain that I’ve had some rather critical feedback of my blog lately, and I find that because I now know how harshly I’m being judged for posting about my life – well, I just don’t feel much like posting anything anymore. There are a couple of posts I wanted to make this week on social commentary (with my perspective as an ex-pat). However, I now feel that if I am remotely critical of the USA, my criticism will be interpreted as negativity, or people will think I hate the USA or some ridiculous exaggeration.
Which is a bit sadly really (criticism is how we grow. If we aren’t critical of things – how can we improve upon them?). However, at the same time, sometimes we can be too critical, especially of those things we love most. Maybe this is why I am often very hard on the USA. However, at the same time, the American government makes a lot of mistakes. I don’t think I’ve made many mistakes with my blog. I already highly censor my writing. Nevertheless, it is my blog, my personal blog where I can write about whatever I want. I try to post mostly about fashion, tramping, current events or whatever might be happening in my life. I.e. things that I think are important, or that I would like to share particularly to get other people to thinking critically about, well, stuff.
But lately my life has pretty much been consumed by my PhD. Doing a PhD is not easy. If it were, everyone would have one. There are a lot of ups and downs, but especially at the end, things become very tough. It’s very hard not to feel sad or frustrated by what happens because a PhD becomes your entire life. And no one who hasn’t done a PhD can understand. They can try all they want, but they just can’t (I’m truly sorry but writing a PhD is one of those things you just have to experience firsthand). And it is truly awful. That is why many people give up. Many people do not finish a PhD because the pressure/expectations gets to be too much. I’ve said before that a PhD is not a measure of someones intelligence, it’s a measure of sheer determination and willpower. It’s a minimum 3 year commitment. You’re not going to get paid very much. And only 3 people in the world will likely ever read your thesis cover to cover (because guess what, your supervisors may not). You literally put everything else in your life on hold. Then you start foregoing other things; gym, hobbies, entertainment, friends, family – all must wait until you finish your PhD.
I’m sorry if this all sounds very negative, but this is the reality of a PhD. It is not a picnic. Which is why for most people, I wouldn’t recommend doing one. You’re not going to be guaranteed economic or even career success. It’s a big gamble, and considering the time it takes to do one (time that could be spent working and earning) – it may actually be an economic detriment in the long term. Again, I’m not being negative, I’m being a realist.
To censor my writing even more… well I just don’t have the heart for it. Those who know me personally know that I am a sweet and optimistic person. This blog isn’t called idealism never goes out of fashion for nothing. But if this blogs comes off as a little serious – well that is due to my writing style, and the fact that I am a serious person. Type A? Yes that is definitely me.
I can’t just relegate my blog to be a bunch of pictures of me in different outfits. Because that isn’t who I am and feels incredibly superficial. A blog without text is, well, a blog without life. I’m a human being after all – capable of experiencing the full range of emotions. And to feel as though I must limit my expression to only a certain range of emotions makes me feel incredibly disingenuine. With the internet we have more opportunity for freedom of expression than ever before, yet this same wealth of information equally constrains us.
So I guess if this blog prevents me from getting a future hypothetical job, well so be it. Everyone has baggage – but honestly mine is barely anything at all. I think if a prospective employer took the time to read my blog, they would realize that I am actually quite a private, thoughtful person and generally work very hard not to air any dirty laundry on my blog or on facebook. I do not overshare on facebook status updates. I try not to post unflattering photos of my friends. I rarely mention other people here on my blog, no ex boyfriends, no ex bosses, no ex flatmates, hardly anything about my family – nothing, nada. I barely even mention D even though I adore him and he is pretty much the sunshine of my existence.
I haven’t decided yet how much I will continue to post. Right now, I’m still feeling very disappointed at being so misunderstood. So all I can say (in the nicest way possible, of course) is if you don’t like what you read on my blog, feel free not to read it.