Okay, I have like 5 min to write this before I need to wander off to the gym, but…
I’ve been doing some soul searching lately. It’s disconcerting. I mean, I guess a big part of the reason I came to NZ was to soul search (I mean, why else do people go abroad for like a billion years on their own – they feel they need to ‘find’ themselves). And somewhere, in the finding of myself, I also wonder if I lost myself, and now I need to re-find myself…?
Or maybe I’m just getting old. Or maybe I have been away for home for so long now (4.5 years, faithful reader) that to go home would be like going somewhere ‘new’ and starting all over again… And I wonder how I will fit in anymore. My plan is (always has been) to return to MN, specifically Minneapolis when I finish whatever it was I came here to do in NZ (apparently spend many years finding myself and do a couple of post graduate degrees. Oh, and travel). But I guess life is what happens while you are waiting to get a bunch more letters after your name because life in MN goes on and moves forward and sometimes it scares me to think that I’ll be left behind (hello – I still have a ‘student’ – albeit, mature student – attitude). People have grown older (I guess I have too). I saw photos of my oldest nephew on FB today and he is taller than my sister now (my sister and I are the same height). Change is scary.
With all these big momentous life changes I guess there comes some second guessing. I have never regretted coming to NZ. In fact, I try to live my life with no regrets whatsoever. But I am constantly reminded of all the things – no, moments with people I love and miss – that I sacrificed and continue to sacrifice every day that I’m here. Yes I’m getting a little sentimental, but honestly I’ve always been this way (underneath the calm facade). Do you still remember me? Do you ever think of me? Are we still as we always have been, or have I been replaced (with someone more immediate – I mean, I have been out of sight and out of mind for 4.5 years now)?
Sometimes I feel as though I’m leading 2 lives. I just read Outlander, which is about a woman who travels back in time 200 years and it’s weird, I guess I feel as though it’s a bit the same with me (NZ is much less technologically advanced than the US, you see… j/k). She has to give up one life in order to pursue another, and all the while she is certain that time is moving forward in her past life, but she still wants to get back, and things keep preventing her from going back – and also of course, she’s just not sure if it will work for her to go back.
What sort of life will I hold when I return to MN? Will I be able to have a job in this crazy shit US economy? Will I be able to maintain the NZ values I have gained (believe it or not, I’ve become much less materialistic here), e.g. can I not eat meat because I don’t agree with the way factory farmed animals are treated (NZ animals – beef at least, runs wild and free – no feedlots here)???
But mostly I’m concerned with my relationships – how they have changed (how can you possibly continue relationships with no shared experiences? And how is it, with all this technology – skype, facebook, email and calling cards that I still suck at keeping in touch?). And of course, myself. How I have changed. Am I still the wild crazy Becca who left? Probably not. No, I’m certain I am much more reserved now. Is that simply a reflection of my age, or something else (like the fact that I’ve mostly learned to keep my mouth shut)?
Too much to reflect on (certainly I’ve spent more than 5 min). For now, I’m off to the gym. Just know that I miss you.